twinkle star
by bleu minuit de folie
Summary: Be a twinkle star in my heaven. —bat. cat-centric. angst all the way. T because there's cutting.


**omfg, my very first one shot in here. probably just angsty shit. okay so here is some warning: there's a lots of cat/bat-angst in here. it's kind of short (okay really short) but i guess i have the privilege because it's my very first one-shot. anyways, hope you like it.**

**ps: sorry if there are some spelling issues, i'm argentina, lol.**

**disclamer: i own nothing except... the idea?**

* * *

_be a twinkle star in my heaven._

_xxx_

she never gets to see him that much. obviously, she watches, but from a considerable distance. she sees them kissing and for once she wishes to be jade, perfect, beautiful and not-so-charming jade west. she figures out that beck likes bad girls.

she just wishes to be one of them, is it that too much?

"cat, are you okay?" jade asks her, cat knows she's not actually worried. probably beck told her to ask. She never cares.

_no. I'm just in love with your boyfriend, no hard feelings, right?_

she can't tell her that. so she just says she's tired and runs to the bathroom with her schoolbag. she wishes to get to the bathroom and get the damn sharpener out and finish off her suffering for just a little while. good luck she bridged her pink long sweater with her.

she cuts a little deeper.

_xxx_

"I love you. a lot." she says, biting her nails. she's crazy.

she knows.

_xxx_

sikowitz tells her to think of the only person in this world she loves more than her own life, in the middle of the drama class, and to scream it to the world. she instantly thinks of beck, but when she has to scream it she just screams unicorns, because that's cat being herself.

and when beck screams jade she just covers it up with a bright smile. her eyes are burning. she doesn't care anymore.

xxx

it's not like she's important. It's not like she's ever going to be someone. or at least, she's never going to be if she keeps up this way.

she hates beck for loving jade, she hates jade for loving beck back and she just hates herself more because she has fallen in love with the best guy in the world and she can't have him. she blames it on herself, because, who in hell would fall in love with one of her best friends boyfriend? no one. she's not a good friend. she's not a good person.

she doesn't even deserve to be alive anymore.

so she thinks that just one more scar wouldn't hurt, right? because, even if she dies, who is going to miss her anyway?

_xxx_

_Twinkle, twinkle, little star,__  
How I wonder what you are…_

___xxx_

she doesn't sleep.

_xxx_

he kisses her the night after he dumps jade and she feels lots of butterflies and she wishes she has some kind of eidetic memory so that she can remember this moment forever. she's so in love that it hurts. He's gentle and sweet.

his lips taste like cherries and she's now so more in love than she was before.

twinkle twinkle little star is playing inside her head and she murmurs inside the kiss: "be a twinkle star in my heaven." he just deepens the kiss.

she wants more cherry.

_xxx_

_Up above the world so high,__  
Like a diamond in the sky.  
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,  
How I wonder what you are!_

___xxx_

she doesn't even mind when beck tells her it was all fake. That he didn't feel anything.

she just runs to her room and cuts a little deeper this time. the heals are healing. she doesn't want them to. so she screams and cries and she wishes she had never kissed him in the first place. she is breaking. it's his fault.

_xxx_

cat kisses robbie the next day. he tastes like vanilla.

she cries in the middle of it because she wants cherry. she _needs_ cherry.

_xxx_

_When the blazing sun is gone,__  
When there's nothing he shines upon,  
Then you show your little light,  
Twinkle, twinkle, through the night._

___xxx_

he locks her up in the janitor's room and kisses her like the stars are burning.

she wishes so.

_xxx_

_Twinkle, twinkle, little star,__  
How I wonder what you are!_

___xxx_

he doesn't love her. she doubts she can move on.

"I love you. a lot." she says, biting her nails. she's crazy.

she knows.

he grabs her hands and looks at her chocolate eyes. he tries to say softly, it's the very first time she has seen him with tears in his eyes. she's scared.

"i'm sorry."

she lost her twinkle star.

she saw it coming.

_xxx_

Her mom tells her she's nothing. _Like she didn't know._

it's okay, she's used to. it's normal since her big brother Stuart killed himself. good thing that her mother is an alcoholic who doesn't love her, so that she could die happier. she's not hurting anyone. it's not like she's important. it's not like she's ever going to be someone. or at least, she's never going to be if she keeps up this way.

she doesn't care, so she runs up to her room and locks herself, ignoring her mothers screams and insults.

_xxx_

_In the dark blue sky so deep__  
Through my curtains often peep  
For you never close your eyes  
Til the morning sun does rise_

___xxx_

one last cut and it's over. her wrists hurt so badly but it feels so very good... she can't let this slip of her hand (or wrist). it's the only thing that keeps her away from heaven. Or hell. She isn't sure anymore; she doesn't want to. she's okay being the crazy and depressive cat now. in heaven, she's not going to need beck. in heaven, she could be cat. in heaven, she'll forget everything.

so she cuts.

she cuts so be happy for the first time since her father left and her brother died. And it's the best feeling in the world until she can't stand anymore and falls to the floor. twinkle little star is playing again in her mind and she can't help but smile. the last thing she sees is thick and red blood. she's okay with it. she likes blood.

death tastes like blood. she cries because she wishes it tasted more like cherries.

_xxx_

_Twinkle, twinkle, little star__  
How I wonder what you are_

___xxx_

that night, when the police find her dead in the floor, full of her own blood, one police man can't help and notice how much that_ new_ star is twinkling.


End file.
